Again and again

Maybe it's a seasonal thing, but I always seem to come back and need to write around the same time. I reread that last post 2 years later as I said I would, strangely without any sort of alarm clock or notification to remind me to do so. Patterns of behavior are funny at times.

It is two years later now though, might as well make another post now. Maybe I'll stick to it and post again before 2015 this time.

Where I am now is comfortable, but not where I want to be. What I mean by this, is the day by day doesn't freak me out, I just don't worry about things much anymore, and my internal locus of control has turned external. Frankly, I don't can much, and when I do I get negative emotions (anger, annoyance, frustration) and then place the blame on things outside of my control. For the most part though, I don't feel at risk or scared, and this is because I will not exit my comfort zone .

 I don't like this feeling or the place in my life I am on a personal level. I either want to be better, or not be at all. I've also found I lost most emotional stability, so I will teeter-totter between the two extremes. I can see a plan of attack of getting better, I am so close to it at times I feel I can touch and taste it, and could just discipline myself and get to a place I want to. Eat right, sleep right, exercise, read, write, learn, let go. Be fun and honest, take life with stride instead of huddled in fear.

 But then it teeters the other way, so far away from that to the point of hopelessness. It's too hard, I can't do it. I've trued and always regressed. It's like a messy house, constantly needing to go through cleaning sessions to pick up the mess that had been made. It's so much effort, and for what feels like so little gain. Why drive? Does it even matter, make a difference at all? There needs to be something to balance out all the effort put forth to be better, to be good. It used to be so easy, and I was so sure. There's a reason for everything, I just need to be good, I need to try. Something will become of it, I have some sort of power and control over my life. It is just inherently better to be the best person (also inherently defined) that I can be, and doing anything else with my life is the wrong thing.

 And it should stop there, I should just outline what things I need to do, and do them. Be that good person, no letting hedonistic drives control mt destiny, selfish fears of struggle and strife, just allowing that belief that things will all turn out ok if I try and be that good person. But I lost that belief, or I should say it has lost it;s strength. Maybe what I deemed is the person I should be is not correct, maybe I have a choice. What if I choose wrong? Maybe I put all this effort in, and it all for nothing, because I picked the wrong path. Or maybe even worse, there are no paths at all. We just are, we live a meaningless life and die a meaningless death. If that's the case there is nothing to drive me, the balance is completely in the thrown off, leaning toward giving up. Without really knowing, at best it's all going on a hope, that maybe I'll be right, maybe it will pay off. Without that confident feeling that it definitely will, or that at least trying is worth it even if it won't, it makes it easy to just throw my hands up.

 I know I can't coast much longer though, it has to be one or the other. It's not a thing I can stand neutral on, I have to go wholeheartedly in one direction, or the other.